What to do when they are having a bad time

Everyone goes through periods of difficulty — bereavement, illness, unemployment, depression. The support a partner provides during them matters, and the instinctive version frequently does not help.

The responses that miss

Solving. Discussed elsewhere on this site. Most difficulties of this kind are not solvable by a partner, and the attempt communicates that the state is a problem to be fixed.

Reframing. "At least" is the marker. At least you have your health, at least it was not worse.

Intended as perspective and received as dismissal.

Relentless positivity. Insisting on optimism obliges the other person to manage your discomfort with their state, which adds to the load.

Advice about what has worked for you. Occasionally useful and frequently not, particularly where the difficulty is clinical rather than situational.

Withdrawing. Which happens where the partner does not know what to do and fears making it worse, and which is experienced as abandonment.

What appears to help

Research on social support consistently finds that perceived support — the sense that support is available — predicts outcomes better than the amount of support actually delivered.

There is also a well-replicated finding that support which is not noticed as support is more effective than support that is explicit, plausibly because visible support carries an implication of inability.

Which suggests a specific approach.

Presence without agenda. Being there without requiring the person to engage or perform.

Practical help, done rather than offered. "Let me know if you need anything" places the burden of asking on the person least able to.

Doing something specific — a meal, a school run, an errand — is more useful and requires nothing from them.

Asking what would help, and accepting the answer. Including where the answer is nothing, or space.

Continuing to treat them normally. People in difficult periods frequently report that being treated as fragile is one of the harder parts.

Tolerating the duration. Support in the first fortnight is common; support at month four is rare and is when it is most needed.

The listening part

Which requires a specific discipline.

Let them describe it without correcting the account. People in distress say things that are not entirely accurate — that it will never improve, that it is their fault — and the instinct is to argue.

Arguing with the content generally produces defence of the content. Acknowledging the feeling without endorsing the conclusion is the workable middle.

"That sounds unbearable" does not require agreeing that it is permanent.

Where it is depression

A distinct situation that warrants different handling.

Depression is a medical condition with treatments that have a substantial evidence base, and it does not resolve through support alone.

The features that distinguish it from a difficult period: persistence beyond a couple of weeks, loss of interest in things previously enjoyed, changes in sleep and appetite, and a pervasive rather than situation-specific quality.

The most useful thing a partner can do is encourage assessment and, where wanted, help with the practical steps — making the appointment, going along.

What does not help is treating it as a matter of effort, or taking the symptoms personally. Reduced affection and withdrawal are features of the condition rather than statements about the relationship, and this is genuinely difficult to hold onto.

The supporter's position

Which needs stating.

Supporting someone through a long difficult period is depleting, and research on carers consistently finds elevated rates of distress among those doing it.

Maintaining your own support, your own activities and some time that is not about the situation is not selfishness. It is what makes the support sustainable.

Where it becomes unsustainable, saying so honestly is better than the alternative, which is a supporter who becomes resentful or unwell.

General information about wellbeing, not medical advice. If you or a partner are struggling with persistent low mood, contact a doctor or mental health service. If there is any risk to life, contact emergency services.