Endings & Repair
What people say they learned
Accounts from people looking back on relationships that ended converge on a small number of observations.
Daniel Osei
25 articles by Osei
Family & Parenting
Friendship after children
Social networks contract sharply after a first child, and the loss has consequences for the couple that are rarely connected to it.
Dating
Being wrong about your own relationship
People inside a relationship are systematically poor observers of it, in directions that are documented.
Endings & Repair
The second time around
People entering a serious relationship after a previous one ended carry patterns that are worth identifying deliberately.
Conflict
The argument that becomes about the argument
Meta-conflict consumes the time available and resolves nothing, and it has a small number of recognisable entry points.
Dating
The friends who see it before you do
External observers predict relationship outcomes better than the people in them, which is worth knowing and difficult to use.
Attachment
Emotional labour, and what the phrase actually meant
A precise sociological concept that has broadened into something vaguer, and both the original and the popular version describe something real.
Family & Parenting
Grandparents, and how much say they get
A common source of conflict in young families, with a structure that becomes manageable once the roles are stated.
Communication
Talking about the future without it becoming a test
The conversation is necessary and it is generally conducted as an interrogation, which produces answers nobody can rely on.
Dating
Being clear about what you are looking for
Ambiguity about intentions is the default and it produces most of the avoidable distress in early dating.
Endings & Repair
The post-separation period, practically
Most advice addresses the emotional side. The practical side is what determines how bad the first year is.
Conflict
Arguing in front of children
The research distinguishes between kinds of conflict rather than between its presence and absence, and the distinction is useful.
Communication
Assumptions, and how to check them
Long relationships accumulate beliefs about the other person that were accurate once, and almost nobody updates them.
Attachment
Kindness as a practice rather than a disposition
Everyday generosity in a relationship is mostly a set of habits, and habits can be installed regardless of temperament.
Family & Parenting
Co-parenting after separation
The research is reasonably clear about what affects children, and it points at the conflict rather than the separation.
Conflict
The argument you have every few months
Perpetual problems are a normal feature of long relationships, and the objective is a workable relationship to them rather than a resolution.
Dating
Red flags, and the ones people actually miss
The dramatic warning signs are widely publicised. The predictive ones are quieter and easier to explain away.
Attachment
Jealousy, and the difference between the signal and the response
The feeling is ordinary and informative. What people do with it is where relationships are damaged.
Endings & Repair
Trust after it has been broken
Rebuilding is possible and it is slower and more specific than the general advice suggests.
Conflict
Repair attempts, and why they matter more than the argument
The small moves that de-escalate a conflict are unimpressive individually and appear to do most of the work.
Communication
Saying what you actually want
Hinting is the default in most relationships, and it fails for structural reasons rather than because the partner is inattentive.
Endings & Repair
Breaking up without doing unnecessary damage
The decision is one problem and the execution is another, and the execution is where avoidable harm gets done.
Conflict
Fighting fair when you are actually angry
Advice written for calm people is not usable at the point it is needed, and the physiological research suggests a different approach.
Communication
Complaining without criticising
The difference between a complaint and a criticism is a sentence structure, and it changes what happens next.
Dating
The first three dates, and what they can tell you
Early impressions are less predictive than people assume, which changes what those meetings are usefully for.