Arguing Over Small Things Like, two Saturdays ago I spent a solid 17 minutes in near-shouting match with my husband about whether the aircon should be set to 24°C or 23°C. I was literally melting into the sofa, sweat pooling behind my knees, insisting I was going to die of heatstroke. He was convinced we were single-handedly bankrupting the electricity board. I eventually stormed out onto the balcony like some tragic daily soap heroine… only to stand there getting absolutely massacred by mosquitoes while still sweating. Peak dignity, truly.
And then I sat there thinking: …we’re both idiots.
Why we get so loud about the tiniest crap
There’s actually a name for this nonsense. Psychologists call it displacement — when you’re stressed about money, work, the fact that you’re thirty-something and still can’t afford a second bathroom, so you dump all that emotion onto the person closest to you… over who left three grains of rice in the cooker.
It’s also sometimes called kitchen-sink fighting — everything comes out, even the unrelated stuff.
Here are a couple decent articles that explain it way better than my ranting: Arguing Over Small Things
- Psychology Today – Why Couples Fight About the Small Stuff
- The Gottman Institute – How to Stop the “Four Horsemen” in Small Arguments
My extremely imperfect attempts to stop the madness
I’m not gonna pretend I’ve become some zen monk overnight. I still snap sometimes. But here’s what’s actually helped a tiny bit:
- The 3-second scream delay Literally count to three in my head before I open my mouth. Most of the time the ridiculousness hits me by 2½ and I just snort-laugh instead.
- Naming the real feeling (cringiest but most effective) Instead of “YOU ALWAYS LEAVE THE CHIP BAG OPEN!!”, I’ve started trying: “Hey… I’m actually feeling really overwhelmed about money today and the open chips are just… tipping me over.” Sounds fake and therapy-speak-y. Works surprisingly often though.
- The “Is this the hill?” check Before I die on it, I ask myself: “Is this the hill I want to perish on?” Spoiler: 23°C vs 24°C is almost never the hill.
I’m including some images below that capture the exact ridiculous energy I’m talking about.
Now I’ll show you a few visuals that feel painfully relatable:
(Images: couple fighting over thermostat, angry faces with thermostat in background, cartoon of couple yelling about air conditioner)
Final messy thought
The biggest shift for me has been remembering that the person across from me is also just a tired, flawed human trying their best — same as me Arguing Over Small Things.
So next time you catch yourself spiraling about who left the light on or why there’s one sock on the floor… maybe just try saying,
