Okay, so. Let’s get into it. I’m writing this from my couch in Portland, it’s raining again obviously, and there’s a laundry basket of clean clothes that’s been sitting there for like, three days that neither of us has put away. That’s the real backdrop here. Not some pristine life. Last week, I genuinely googled “uncontested divorce Oregon” because my husband used my fancy kitchen shears to open a bag of fertilizer. I’m not proud of it. But in that moment, the goal to Avoid Divorce felt less important than the principle of scissor integrity, you know? My primary keyword was a joke.
But somehow… we’re still here. It’s not perfect. I still side-eye him when he chews too loud sometimes. The habits we’ve cobbled together aren’t from a textbook; they’re from survival. And they’re full of errors, because we are.
The “Oh Crap” Moment That Forced Our Hand
We couldn’t just keep having the same fight about money or chores or family. It was exhausting. We needed rules, but like, loose ones. Our first attempt to prevent divorce was a disaster—we tried to schedule a weekly meeting and it just turned into us bickering over who forgot to schedule it. Real productive.
Habit 1: The “Low-Barrier” Emotional Check-In
Instead of some deep, heavy conversation, we do this thing while we’re loading the dishwasher. One of us just says “Vibe check: 1 to 10?” And the other answers. That’s it. Sometimes the answer is “a solid 4, work is weird.” No pressure to fix it. Just… knowledge. It’s like emotional radar. It helps us Avoid Divorce by just acknowledging the weather in the room before it becomes a storm.
Habit 2: Let the Fight Get Weird
Seriously. We derail on purpose sometimes. Mid-argument about whose turn it is to deal with the trash, I’ll suddenly ask “what’s your favorite dinosaur?” or he’ll do a stupid impression. It breaks the script. The tension deflates because we’re both so confused. Laughter, even annoyed laughter, is a reset button. You can’t stay in fight-or-flight mode if you’re trying to remember if a pterodactyl is technically a dinosaur (it’s not, I looked it up later).
Habit 3: Become a Detective of Your Own Triggers
This is the hard one. I realized I wasn’t actually mad about the scissors. I was triggered because it felt disrespectful of my things, which tied back to my childhood stuff. He realized his stonewalling wasn’t about me, but a protection habit. Naming that, out loud, is brutally awkward. “Hey, I’m shutting down now, and it’s not about you, I just need 20 minutes.” It sounds robotic but it saves so much pain. It’s a powerful relationship habit that feels super clunky at first.
Habit 4: Have Separate Adventures. No, Really.
We used to do everything together and then resent each other for no reason. Now, I go on solo hikes. He plays in a terrible community basketball league. We come back with stories that aren’t about each other. We miss each other a little. It’s gives us something to talk about besides who forgot to pay the electric bill. This space is non-negotiable for saving a marriage, I swear.
Habit 5: The “Dumb” 24-Hour Complaint Rule
If it bothers you, say it in 24 hours or it’s gone. Forever. But we mess this up CONSTANTLY. I’ll sometimes blurt out “AND ANOTHER THING FROM 2018!” and he’ll just look at me and say “…vault.” and I’ll grumble and shut up. The rule isn’t about perfection, it’s about calling each other gently on our crap. It’s a divorce-prevention tool because it stops the secret scorekeeping.
Habit 6: Learn How Your Partner Actually Wants to Be Loved
I read this book, something about love languages, and it majorly eye-roll but also… true? My husband feels loved when I do practical crap. So now I sometimes just… clean out his car. Not as an apology, just because. He feels seen. He knows I need words, so he leaves me dorky post-it notes. It’s not natural for him! It feels forced! But the effort is the point, you know?
Habit 7: The Quarterly “Us” Meeting (With Snacks)
We put it in the Google Calendar. We get takeout. Avoid Divorce We ask dumb questions: “Are we having enough fun?” “Is the sex… okay?” “Do you feel supported in your weird goals?” It’s awkward! Sometimes we fight during it! But it’s a dedicated time to look at the system of us, not just react to daily blips. This habit alone has been huge for us to Avoid Divorce
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(The car-cleaning heart says it all — not glamorous, but seen.)
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(Just everyday love looking quietly heroic.)
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Habit 8: Practice Saying “I’m Wrong” (And Not Dying)
This one kills me. My ego is huge. But I’ve practiced saying “You know what, I was wrong about that.” Or “I overreacted.” It doesn’t kill me. The world doesn’t end. It actually like, builds trust? Weird. It’s the ultimate powerful relationship habit because it requires swallowing pride, which tastes gross but is weirdly healthy.
Habit 9: Aim for “Good Enough” Not Soulmate Bliss
This is the big one. The 80/20 rule. My spouse is not my everything. He’s my 80%. My friends, my therapist, my own dumb hobbies are the other 20. Expecting him to be my best friend, my lover, my emotional therapist, my hobby partner, and my co-CEO of laundry is a recipe for resentment and, yeah, Avoid Divorce. Letting go of the fantasy of perfect union was the most liberating thing.
