Okay wow trauma bonding vs real love—this topic keeps coming up in my head lately and honestly it’s exhausting because I still catch myself mixing the two up sometimes even after all the therapy and crying in my car in parking lots here in the US. Right now I’m literally sitting cross-legged on my couch with cold leftover pizza next to me and my dog snoring so loud it’s almost funny, thinking about how many years I spent convincing myself chaos = depth. Spoiler: it doesn’t.
What Trauma Bonding Feels Like When You’re In It (God It Sucks Looking Back)
I’m gonna be brutally honest—I thought the stomach-dropping anxiety every time my phone didn’t buzz for 20 minutes was “passion.” Like, butterflies on steroids. Trauma Bonding vs. Real Love Turns out it was trauma bonding doing its thing. That push-pull cycle where they hurt you (words, silence, whatever), then throw just enough sweetness to reel you back in? My brain literally got addicted to it.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, and Flop: Responses to Trauma | All …
This black-and-white image powerfully shows the overwhelming anxiety and inner turmoil—hands gripping the head in distress, the kind of silent scream that comes from waiting, hurting, and still craving the next “sweet” moment.
Epigastric Pain: Causes, Symptoms & Treatment Guide
One time—I’m so embarrassed admitting this—I waited outside his apartment at 2 a.m. in the rain because he said “we need to talk” and then didn’t answer for hours. When he finally opened the door and hugged me and said sorry I felt high. High. Trauma Bonding vs. Real Love That’s not love, that’s intermittent reinforcement (psych term I learned way too late). Check out what Psychology Today says about trauma bonding if you want the clinical version—I wish I’d read it sooner.
Red Flags I Ignored for Way Too Long
Here’s the messy list from someone who ignored every single one:
- The relationship feels like an emotional yo-yo. Amazing one day, ice-cold the next. Real love has bad days but not this nuclear-level swing.
- You’re always the one apologizing—even when they started the fight.
- Your friends start saying “you’ve changed” and you get defensive instead of listening.
- Leaving feels physically impossible. Like your chest would cave in. That’s the bond, not some epic romance.
- You romanticize the pain. “We’ve been through so much together” = code for “we’ve been hurting each other in cycles.”
Verywell Mind has a solid breakdown here if you want more clinical signs without my personal trainwreck commentary.
Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Understanding Apology Languages
What Real Love Actually Feels Like (It’s Kinda Boring at First and That Freaked Me Out)
After the last breakup I swore off dating for like… six months? Then I met someone who was just… consistent. No mind games. Returned texts in normal human time. Asked how my therapy session went and actually listened to the answer. At first I was like “this feels flat—where’s the intensity?” Because I was so used to trauma bonding masquerading as fireworks.
Real love is quieter. It’s boring in the best way. You don’t feel like you’re auditioning for your own life every day. You can ugly-cry about work and they just hand you tissues and make bad jokes instead of using it against you later.
HelpGuide.org has good practical steps for breaking trauma bonds here — stuff like no-contact, support systems, all that. I’m still working on some of it.
[Insert Image Placeholder 2] Intimate low-angle personal shot: two hands loosely linked on a wooden table—one has faint self-harm scars that are fading, the other has fresh band-aids from clumsy cooking; sunlight coming sideways making everything look warm but honest, no filters, no chains, no thorns—just human skin and small imperfections.
Where I’m At Right Now (Still a Work in Mess)
I’m not gonna pretend I’m fully healed or whatever. Last week I almost texted an ex “just to see how he’s doing” at 1 a.m. and had to literally sit on my hands for ten minutes. Progress is uneven. Some days I trust my gut, some days I still romanticize the old chaos because it felt so big.
