Okay, real talk — polyamory vs monogamy has been living rent-free in my head for so long I’m considering charging it utilities at this point.
It’s 1:17 a.m. in Colorado (wait no, my phone just flipped to 1:18 while I was typing that, whatever), I’m on my third glass of cheap Trader Joe’s cabernet, and my cat just knocked over the same plant for the 47th time this month. Life is chaos. Relationships are chaos squared.
I keep telling myself I’m “figuring it out” but honestly? I’m just collecting trauma and screenshots like Pokémon cards.
Let me just word-vomit the actual truth.
Monogamy was my comfort blanket for literal decades. I loved the idea of being someone’s favorite person. The one phone contact with the heart emoji. The “this is my girlfriend” introduction that made me feel chosen. I ate that shit up.
Then I met Alex in 2022 (name changed because I’m not a complete monster) and suddenly I was catching feelings while still stupidly in love with Jamie. Instead of doing the mature thing and picking a lane, I panicked and blurted out “what if we… didn’t pick a lane?” like a complete idiot.
Jamie said yes. Alex said yes. I said yes. And for about six weeks it was magical — group chats at 2 a.m., three-way cuddles, inside jokes times a thousand.
Then reality bitch-slapped me.
The first time Alex stayed over at their other partner’s place I sat on my kitchen floor eating cold pizza and ugly-crying because “what if they like their bed better than mine.” Like, ma’am, you are 34 years old, get a grip.
Polyamory vs monogamy stopped being theoretical and became “do I take another Klonopin or do I just schedule another fight about scheduling.”
The Stuff That Actually Broke My Brain
Jealousy doesn’t feel like the cute little green monster everyone memes about. It feels like someone poured concrete in my chest and then asked me to go on a date and act normal.
But also… compersion is real and it’s WEIRD. Watching Jamie light up telling me about their new person made me feel proud and horny and devastated all at once. My nervous system still hasn’t filed the paperwork on that one.
I tried all the things everyone says to try:
- Reading every poly book known to man (currently have 4 copies of The Ethical Slut because I keep lending them and never getting them back)
- Scheduling weekly check-ins that turned into screaming matches
- Making spreadsheets (yes, actual Google Sheets with tabs labeled “Date Ideas,” “STI Testing,” and “Emotional Labor Distribution” — I wish I was kidding)
Where I’m At Right Now (January 2026 Edition)
Currently “monogamish” with Jamie again, which basically means we’re monogamous until one of us meets someone who makes our brain short-circuit and then we have The Talk™ again.
I’m exhausted. I’m also weirdly grateful? Because trying polyamory taught me that my jealousy was actually fear of abandonment dressed up in a Halloween costume. Therapy helped. A lot. Like, an embarrassing amount.
Also learned I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style that should probably come with a warning label.
My Very Flawed Advice From The Trenches
- Don’t try polyamory to fix a broken relationship (been there, regretted that)
- Don’t try monogamy to fix a broken polycule (also been there)
- Figure out if you want polyamory or if you just want permission to leave
- Sometimes you think you want multiple partners and you actually just want multiple versions of the same person who doesn’t exist
- The grass is greenest where you water it, but also sometimes the grass is astroturf and you should just move
I still don’t know what my “final form” relationship structure is. Probably won’t ever know. And that’s… okay? Maybe?
Anyway. If you’re also up at stupid o’clock googling “is it normal to want both polyamory and monogamy at the same time,” hi. You’re not broken. You’re just a human with a very confused heart and probably too many tabs open.
Tell me in the comments where you’re at with the whole polyamory vs monogamy mess — I need to know I’m not the only disaster out here trying to adult while romantically chaotic.
