How to Build Self-Esteem while in a relationship is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do and I’m still not great at it. Like right now I’m sitting on my couch in sweatpants that have seen better decades, there’s half a LaCroix can sweating on the coffee table, my dog is snoring so loud I can feel the vibration through the cushion, and I’m supposed to be telling you how to feel good about yourself when someone else’s opinion lives rent-free in your brain 24/7. Anyway.
I spent probably the first three years of my current relationship accidentally training myself to believe I was only lovable if I was low-maintenance, agreeable, and vaguely smaller than I actually am (emotionally and sometimes literally—yeah I tried that dumb intermittent fasting thing because he once said I looked “healthier” in college photos, kill me). Self-esteem in relationships? I didn’t have any. I had partner-esteem. Big difference.
Why Relationships Can Wreck Your How to Build Self-Esteem (At Least They Did Mine)
When you’re single you kinda have to like yourself enough to survive the silence. But the second someone cute starts texting good morning memes, it’s like your brain goes “cool we can outsource the self-worth now.” Huge mistake.
Monochrome Photo of a Woman Sitting by the Window · Free …
I once cried in a Target parking lot because he didn’t text back for four hours and I was convinced that meant I was inherently uninteresting. Four hours. In 2025. That’s like twelve minutes in dog years or whatever. Anyway I sat there holding a $6 candle that smelled like “clean cotton” and realized I had completely tied my value to his notification habits.
If any of that sounds familiar, hi, welcome.
Experts actually talk about this a lot. Attachment theory people say anxious attachment styles (🙋♀️) can make us hyper-focus on reassurance from a partner, which slowly erodes internal validation. You can read more about how attachment styles play into adult relationships here at Psychology Today.
What Actually Started Turning Things Around for Me
I didn’t have some big epiphany. It was more like a series of tiny embarrassing moments that added up.
- I started going to therapy and saying the quiet part out loud “I think I’m only good if he thinks I’m good.” Saying it to another human felt disgusting and also like popping a giant emotional pimple. Gross but necessary.
- I forced myself to do things alone again—even dumb little things I went to see a movie by myself on a Tuesday night. Got popcorn. Cried during the trailer for the new Inside Out because I’m apparently 12. Felt weirdly proud when I didn’t text him “wish u were here.” Small win.
- I made a stupid list called “Things That Are True Even If He Leaves”
- I make really good spicy margaritas
- I’ve kept plants alive for over nine months (miracle)
- I can parallel park in under 37 seconds Dumb? Yes. Helpful? Shockingly yes.
There’s research showing that self-compassion practices—like literally writing kind things about yourself—can buffer against relationship-contingent self-esteem. Check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion here.
This serene moment of self-reflection in the mirror captures the essence of treating yourself with kindness and acceptance.
Practical Stuff I Do Now to Keep How to Build Self-Esteem From Leaking Out
- I keep one hobby that’s 100% mine and he’s not invited to judge it Right now it’s making really bad pottery. My mugs look like they have scoliosis but I love them.
- I say “no” out loud at least once a week Even if it’s just “no I don’t want to watch another true crime doc tonight I want to rewatch The Office for the 800th time.” Boundaries are self-esteem glue.
- I talk to single friends on purpose Not to compare, but to remember what my own opinion sounds like without a partner filter.
- I look in the mirror and say one neutral-to-positive thing every morning Lately it’s “your under-eye bags are giving very chic French woman energy.” Fake it till you make it.
Capturing Transformation: My Experience at the PIA NSW Conference 2024
The Part Where It Gets Messy Again
Last month we had a fight because I wanted to spend a weekend visiting my college friend and he felt “left out.” Old me would have cancelled instantly. New me (still in beta) said “I’m going anyway and I’ll miss you but this is important to me.” Then I spent 48 hours feeling like garbage and checking my phone every 12 seconds.
Progress isn’t linear. Building self-esteem while in a relationship is like trying to do yoga on a boat during a storm. You fall over. A lot. But you keep getting back up.
Wrapping This Up Like We’re Just Texting
Look, I’m still figuring this out. Some days I feel solid, some days I’m back to measuring my worth in unread texts. How to Build Self-Esteem But the gap between those days is getting smaller and that feels like something.
If you’re reading this and thinking “yeah I do that too,” just start with one tiny thing that belongs only to you. One hobby, one boundary, one ugly pottery mug. It adds up.
