Stop People-Pleasing: Prioritize Yourself & Reclaim Your Life

Stop people-pleasing is something I’ve been wrestling with for like… ever? And I’m still not “cured” or whatever. I’m literally typing this at 7:42 pm after saying yes to three things today that I already regret and now my stomach hurts from stress-eating those spicy chips again. I live in this chaotic one-bedroom just outside Richmond right now (third place in two years, don’t @ me), there’s dishes in the sink from Thursday, my cat is staring at me like I owe her money, and I can hear my upstairs neighbor doing whatever the hell he does with furniture at 8 pm on a Tuesday. This is peak “I’m trying to prioritize myself” energy apparently.

The Part Where I Was Peak People-Pleaser Trash

I used to think being useful = being loved. Like if I could just carry everyone’s emotional baggage, plan every group hang, cover every shift, listen to every 3-hour voice note… then I’d finally be safe. Untouchable. Loved.

Spoiler: it didn’t work.

• I once drove 2 hours to help a friend move when I had a 101 fever because “they needed me”
• Said yes to being maid-of-honor even though I was having panic attacks thinking about the speech
• Took on extra work projects while literally crying in the bathroom stall because “I didn’t want to let the team down”

I read somewhere (probably on TikTok therapyTok) that chronic people-pleasing is just fancy abandonment trauma wearing a polite smile. And yeah… that tracks. Hurts to admit, but it tracks.

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My First Pathetic Attempts to Prioritize Myself (They Were Bad)

Early 2025 I was like “this is the year I stop people-pleasing for real.”

First boundary: told my mom I couldn’t come home for every single weekend in March. She said “wow okay guess family doesn’t matter anymore.” I cried for three days straight and then booked the train ticket anyway.

Second attempt: said no to covering a coworker’s shift. They passive-aggressively sighed in the group chat for two weeks. I apologized… to everyone… including people who weren’t even involved.

Third try: actually left a group chat that was making me anxious 24/7. Then re-joined 36 hours later because the silence felt worse than the chaos.

So yeah. Not cute. Very human. Very embarrassing.

But something did stick after all that flailing.

The Stuff That Kinda-Sorta-Actually Helps (Most Days)

Not perfect advice. Just things I’ve collected while failing upward.

1. The awkward pause trick Someone asks for a favor → I literally just… don’t answer right away. Count to seven in my head. Sometimes the silence makes them withdraw the ask themselves. Savage but effective.
2. Pre-written no texts in my notes app (yes I’m that person) “Hey I can’t swing that right now but I hope it goes great!” “My calendar is maxed, gonna have to pass sorry!” “Appreciate you thinking of me but that doesn’t work anymore.” Copy-paste queen over here.
3. The “body first” check Before I answer anything I ask: Does my chest feel tight? Is my throat closing? Am I already tired just thinking about it? If yes → automatic no. Body doesn’t lie, brain lies constantly.
4. Micro-selfishness experiments
   • Ordered the expensive latte instead of house coffee
   • Watched only the show I wanted without asking for group consensus
   • Turned my phone on Do Not Disturb for four whole hours on Sunday Felt illegal. Also felt… good?
5. Letting guilt just… exist Huge game changer. Used to think guilt = I’m bad and must fix it immediately. Now I just sit with it like “hey guilt, you’re here again, cool story.” Usually leaves after 10–15 minutes if I don’t feed it.

The Ugly Truth About Trying to Prioritize Yourself

I still say yes sometimes when I’m scared of being seen as cold. How to Stop People-Pleasing I still over-explain my boundaries like I’m on trial. Last week I literally texted “sorry if this is selfish but…” before setting a tiny limit. Cringe.

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Words, Concepts, Being – by Dawson Eliasen – Orbis Tertius

It’s not a glow-up montage. It’s more like three good days, one spectacular backslide, cry in the shower with shampoo in my eyes, then maybe two okay days.

But the moments when I actually choose me over the people-pleasing reflex? They feel like finally exhaling after holding my breath for years.

Your Turn (No Pressure Tho)

If you’re reading this because you just said yes to something that’s already making you nauseous… you’re not broken. You’re just used to a really exhausting survival strategy.