Blended family tips are all over Pinterest and Instagram but most of them read like they were written by robots who’ve never had a tween give them the dead-eye stare because they dared suggest “maybe vegetables tonight?” like it’s a war crime.
I’m literally sitting here at my kitchen island right now, Faridabad time would be like late evening but I’m on US time in my head because that’s where this chaos lives. Empty Diet Coke cans, one kid screaming at Roblox upstairs, my AirPods in one ear playing lo-fi beats to pretend I’m calm. This is the aesthetic behind “how to make step-parenting work” lol.
Been a step-mom (step-parent, whatever) for almost 4 years. Some weeks I think I’ve cracked the code. Most weeks I’m one “you’re not my mom” delivered in perfect monotone from across the dinner table away from ugly-crying in the laundry room with the door locked.
Stuff nobody warns you about before you say “I do” to step-parenting advice
First 8 months? Hell. I binged every article — Psychology Today had some good ones, the Stepfamily Foundation site, even those crunchy Christian blogs that talk about “grace” a lot. They all say the same three things: patience, patience, more patience.
Great advice until the 11-year-old is literally yelling that you “ruined everything” because you put his favorite hoodie in the dryer instead of air-drying it. Patience starts sounding like a personal attack.
Realest thing I’ve learned: you don’t get to vote yourself into the family. The kids hold the ballots and they can (and will) take forever to count them. Sometimes they stuff the box with write-in votes for “literally anyone else.”
I once spent four hours making from-scratch chicken tikka masala because the oldest said he “missed real food.” He took one bite, said “too spicy,” and microwaved leftover pizza. I sat on the garage steps eating cold naan and felt like the world’s biggest loser.
This short piece from the American Psychological Association helped me breathe that night: https://www.apa.org/topics/families/stepfamilies
My current top 6 blended family tips (they’re messy and half-baked but they’re working…ish)
- Lower your standards until they’re underground Used to dream of candlelit family dinners with meaningful conversation. Now success = nobody threw anything and at least one child ate something that grew in dirt. Celebrate the small.
- Don’t try to be the fun parent — be the boring reliable one They already have parents. What they secretly crave (sometimes) is the adult who doesn’t lose their shit when Fortnite servers go down or when pickup time changes three times. I’ve become “the one who always has granola bars and a charger.” It’s not sexy but it’s something.
- Tiny, low-stakes traditions they literally cannot say no to Every Wednesday we do “taco pile” night — everyone builds their own abomination on a plate. No rules, no vegetables required. It’s the only dinner nobody has ever skipped. We also started watching one episode of “Derry Girls” together because the chaos feels familiar.
- Apologize fast and ugly when you mess up (you will mess up constantly) Last month I snapped at the youngest for something his bio-dad actually told him to do. I had to pull the car over on the way to taekwondo, look him in the eye and say “I was wrong and I’m sorry and I hate when I yell.” He just nodded. Two days later he asked me to French braid his sister’s hair before school. I’ll take it.
- Protect your own damn headspace or you’ll be useless to everyone
- Accept that jealousy is allowed to exist (quietly, in your journal)
disclosure — Blog: living with bipolar & teaching my kids about …
Yesterday the middle kid asked me super casually if I ever get jealous of their mom. Brain short-circuited. I said something lame about how every family is different and then immediately started talking about whether we should get Domino’s or Papa John’s.
Showered later and cried because yeah… sometimes I do get jealous. Of the history I wasn’t there for, of the inside jokes, of the way they still light up when she walks in. That feeling doesn’t make me evil. It just makes me human.
Where it gets sloppy and honest
Wrapping this ramble before I delete the whole thing
If you’re reading this at 1 a.m. because the house feels like a war zone and you’re googling “blended family tips” again — hi, you’re not alone.
It’s slow as hell. It hurts sometimes. You will question every choice.
But then there’s that random Thursday when your step-kid texts you “can u pick me up after practice” without being asked, or laughs so hard at your dumb pun that milk comes out their nose, or just says “thanks” when you hand them a towel after they spilled juice everywhere.
